Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pigeon To Star in New Sitcom

FOX along with Warner Brothers distributions has announced they are canceling Michael Strahan's new sitcom "Brothers," and replacing it with "Pigeons," starring Pigeon himself.

On the show, Pigeon, a retired former pro football star, will move back in with his parents and handicapped brother after his money is taken by his attorney.

"It's essentially the same show as Brothers," said FOX preisdent Kevin Reilly. "However, Pigeon is much more marketable these days than Michael Strahan. We really want to get into the 18-49 demographic, and our focus groups are showing they want more Pigeon.

Raiders owner Al Davis was not concerned by the news.

"Pigeon is a very talented bird," said Davis. "There's no question that he will be able to balance football with mediocre television. However, I've seen him act before. Let me just say he's no Rick Moranis."

"Pigeons" will air this January at 8 pm as part of FOX's new Friday night lineup. The one hour premier will be followed by the one hour documentary, "Pigeon: Doin' Work," directed by Spike Lee, which is currently under production.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Pigeon Given Key to the City After Win

Pigeon, arguably the most popular Raiders player since Jim Otto, was given the key to the city this morning at city hall. An estimated crowd of 120,000 fans lined the streets to get a glimpse of Pigeon and hear his speech.

Unfortunately however, Pigeon never showed up to the ceremony, leaving everyone in the dust. A parade, eating contest, and live performance by the band "The Barenaked Ladies" was planned.

"I'm really upset," said BNL bassist Jim Creeggan. "This was an opportunity for us to show the fine citizens of Oakland what songs are on our new album. I mean seriously, who has even thought of us since 1999? We needed this performance to delay going into obliviation."

Mayor Ronald V. Dellums was more understanding.

"Pigeons are very hard to keep track of. They move very quickly and go where the food is. Besides, they all look very similar. I don't even know if any of us would distinguish him from any other pigeon for that matter. I know I certainly wouldn't. I have very bad eyesight. And besides, I suffer from extreme depression due to the fact my name sounds like a court case."

This happened shortly after Pigeon signed a 3 year contract, worth 12 million bread crumbs, 7 of which are guaranteed.

"We're very happy that Pigeon will be here for the next few years," said GM Al Davis. "He's the best thing that's happened to this organization since we first moved to Los Angeles."

Pigeon is expected to declare a formal apology tomorrow. Until then, fans are encouraged to purchase tickets for Sundays game versus the Jets at regular price.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Raiders Beat Eagles 13-9, Pigeon Named MVP

The Oakland Raiders won their second game of the season yesterday, beating the Philadelphia Eagles 13-9. Taking a 13-6 lead 4th, head coach Tom Cable sent in Pigeon to play special teams.

"When he sent in that Pigeon, I think all of us were thinking, man, what's that Pigeon gonna do out there?" asked WR Javon Walker. "But then he got down there and made a big play for us. I then turned to [special teams coordinator John] Fassel and said, dang son, Pigeon got some wings."

It was exactly what the Oakland Raiders could ask for. Looking at
the prospect of dropping to 1-5 on the season, the Raiders knew now was the time to make some bold moves.

"I was very impressed by Pigeon in training camp," said GM Al Davis. "After a few injuries this week I knew I had to sign someone to the roster. It was either former MVP Shaun Alexander, or Pigeon. I made the obvious choice."

It was the first time a member of the bird family played in the National Football League, and only the second animal to do so. William "Refrigerator" Perry broke the animal barrier in 1985 when he became the first elephant to play pro football.

"Would I call Pigeon a Jackie Robinson-like character?" asked QB JaMarcus Russel. "Absolutely. Jackie was an inspiration not only to myself as an African-American, but to young boys and girls everywhere. But Jackie has a pair of arms and knees. Pigeon is only 11 inches tall and
has no arms, hands, knees, or shoulders. So in a way, Pigeon is really the greatest sports hero of all time."

Eagles head coach Andy Reid was less enthusiastic.

"First of all, the Raiders lined up with 12 men on the field. The refs should have called them for too many men on the field, but Pigeon isn't a man. He's a pigeon. So that's a hole in the rule book right there! But more importantly, pigeons shouldn't be allowed to play football. They're genetically inferior to traditional human players."

Reid petitioned the referees to ban Pigeon from the game, but in true Air Bud fashion, there is no rule that says an animal can't play football.

The Raiders next game is this Sunday at 4:05 pm PST versus the New York Jets. Tickets are on sale at the Raiders box office. Autographed balls signed by Pigeon will be available for sale starting Wednesday at the Raiders team store for 100$. Fans are encouraged to line up as soon as possible, as are expected to sell out within ten minutes.